Man, do I hate that question. I'm 38 weeks pregnant. I've been accused of having twins on a number of occasions (by complete strangers). I've been told I've "dropped" by everyone with eyes, and EVERYONE asks me how I'm feeling.
Well.....how the fuck do I look like I'm feeling? These bags under my eyes are not a fashion statement. Yes, I know you can see the belly band of my maternity pants. That's because my shirt doesn't cover it anymore. No, I'm not going to buy new shirts. You're lucky I'm even wearing pants today. Fuck off please?
Why yes, I am still pregnant. You're quite observant.
Mostly....I feel like a walrus.
Picture Stolen from Alphamom
(Side Note: That is by far the awsomest pregnancy calendar ever.)
(Ok, except maybe this one..... http://www.pregnantchicken.com/pregnant/week-1 )
I'm done with people asking me questions. Am I holding a baby? No? Then I haven't popped yet. Thanks for reminding me that I'm still pregnant. I kinda forgot. Guess I should stop snorting lines of coke then, eh? Since I'm still pregnant. Unless you want to hear about my mucous plug....back off.
I've been having pretend contractions for 2 weeks now. Which, in my opinion, is just bullshit. They don't quite hurt exactly. But they sure as hell aren't comfortable. Last night they got a little bit stronger.
The day they started, it took me most of the day to realize what was going on. I thought I was just having cramps. I've had cramps for most of this pregnancy, so that wasn't shocking at all. Just another thing for me to get all pissy about.
Sometime after lunch I realized that these cramps were coming and going. Getting stronger and then subsiding.
"Holy shit, I'm having contractions."
Then comes the best game ever. Do I call my midwife or not? Do I risk being that girl who calls the doc every time anything happens? I called them the week before because my feet suddenly swelled up like giant, foot shaped balloons. The week before I showed up for an appointment I didn't actually have. Did I want to show up for nothing again?
So I decided that I wouldn't call until 2pm. If it was still going on at 2:00 I would call. I had an appointment the next day anyway. So of course, it stopped.
Also of course, the next day I got reamed out for not calling. Everything was fine, but I got the whole "if you're concerned, you call us" talk. Ok, Ok....sorry...jeeze.
Anyway.....last night these contractions got a little bit stronger. I text my friend, who just had a baby last week:
Me: "At the risk of ringing the false alarm bell.....I think these contractions are starting to suck a little more."
Her: "How far apart are they?"
Me: "No idea. I just realized they were hurting more."
Her: "Well time them, asshole."
This is about the same thing I said to her last week when she actually went into labor. No fake contractions for her. Nope, those are all mine.
The thing is....I can't really time them. They don't seem to go away. They come on.....and then they just sort of stay. I try to note when they get noticably stronger, but either I'm having 15 minute contractions....(ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)....or I'm just actually crampy with some contracting thrown in for good measure.
I'd talk about my mucous plug....but really...no one wants to know.
In any case, maybe I'll have a baby later. Wish me luck.