Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Rise of the Machines

So, on the subject of my fabulous pregnancy.....

I have an app for that. Shocking right? It's called Baby Bump. (P.S. no one paid me to write this....or even asked me nicely for that matter.)

It's a cute little app. It has new info every day, including symptoms to look out for, possible tests I might have done, how the fetus in there is doing developmentally. That sort of thing.

It is also damn near precognitive.

Last night, while sitting in the waiting area at my daughter's martial arts class, I feel a pain begin develop in my right ass cheek. I figure I've been sitting too long, and try to fidget my way into being more comfortable. No matter what, it still hurt like hell.

I get home, and it's still there. So I take Tylenol. No improvement. I lay down in bed later in the evening, and it subsides. Ok cool.

Except it's not cool. I only know what it is because I wrenched my back maybe 6 months ago and the misalignment of my vertebrae pinched my sciatic nerve, causing a fantastic condition called "sciatica".

Fuck sciatica.

It's a deep, dull, constant pain that can reach as far down as your calf if it's severe. I've only felt it as far down as my knee. This time it's sticking to my butt and upper thigh. (How many opportunities will I have to type the phrase "sticking to my butt" without working in the soft core porn industry?)

Thanks to my cute little app, I know that it's caused this time around by the baby being positioned so as to put pressure on the nerve. I know that there is nothing I can do about it. I also know that there is a chance he might change positions and (GET THE FUCK OFF IT!!!) then it will go away, but that worst case scenario I'm stuck with this for the next 2 months-ish.

My app decides to show me this information this morning.
This is the 3rd time that it has delivered a particularly helpful nugget of information at just the right time. It's downright uncanny.

I have a few theories on how this could be.

A - My pregnancy is so damn typical that it's following all of the guidelines to the letter, and so   
      there's nothing odd about any of it.
B - I am subconsciously giving myself these oddball symptoms.  I read about how my nose may be 
      stuffed up because my mucus membrane is expanding (or whatever it said about why my nose is  
      dripping all over the place) ,and my nose gets runny and I think it was like this the whole time.
      (I really don't think this is the case.  I saw that it was a symptom and was like "OH MY GOD!!  .
      That explains it!!)
C - My phone is out to get me.  IT is causing these symptoms and then reporting them to me to prove
      it's usefulness.  Technology is coming to get us folks. 

I have had all the weird pregnancy symptoms you never hear about.  Like being stuffed up, varicose veins in places I haven't even told my husband about, increased severity of my carpal tunnel syndrome, and so on.  Things I didn't know about at all....until my app told me about them.  See my theory unfolding? 

Have any scary apps?   
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Shouldn't You Be Working by Bethany Davenport is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.