Wednesday, June 20, 2012

That Moment When....

So I've got a new thing.
I "mountain bike" now.  Meaning that I borrowed my dad's bike, which is technically a mountain bike and ride it around here and there.  There have been zero mountains involved.  Fiance Face actually started this trend.  His BFF got a new, rather expensive bike (I'd call it super expensive, but apparently in the world of bicycles it's just a "starter bike") on sale.  Well, when he got the bike home it ended up being too small for him.  Just Fiance Face's luck.  Because the bike was on sale, BFF couldn't return it.  So he traded Fiance Face for some gun or something and POOF, FF has a new bike.

Well now he's the biking champ.  He bought special shorts.  He bought a full face helmet.  He bought gloves and a Camel Bak.

I'm rolling my eyes.  He did this with a motor cycle too.  Someone gave him a motorcycle that needed work.  He's never ridden a motorcycle.  But sure enough, he buys all this crazy junk that people need to ride a motorcycle.  He never fixed the bike, and ended up selling all of his accessories on Ebay.

So, he's got a bike, and he "wants to ride his bicycle".  As I am still looking at my wedding dress with contempt because it OBVIOUSLY shrunk since I bought it, I decided I would bike with him.  To an extent.

But he's big on big hills.  Freaking loves riding up gigantic hills.  Says he loves the accomplishment of doing it.  Fuck you and your accomplishment.

I'm overweight, and I fucking smoke like if I get cancer there will be world peace.  I'm not going up that hill.  Tell you what, I'll go down it, then you can tow my fat ass back up it.

Fiance Face is also ridiculously competitive.  He has to do everything better than I do.  To the point of ridiculous.  So not only does he love the hills....he loves that I struggle to get up them.

Anyway, the point is that, due to all this fucking biking that's going on I've decided that I will go for a short bike ride on my own in the mornings.  I used to go run on my elliptical in the basement, but I secretly hate the freaking thing.  Biking is better.  If I'm going to expend a shit load of energy on movement, I'd like to at least get somewhere.

So this morning I go for a bike ride. 

It sucked.

My legs burned after 5 minutes.  I went yesterday as well, but I was only out for 20 minutes and didn't go far at all, and kept to the nice flat places.

Today, I challenged myself more.  I went farther.  And then I get this brilliant fucking idea.

There is a huge hill a few streets away from my house.  It's like a dip.  Huge hill down, then a slightly smaller but definitely steeper hill back up.  I decide, like a champ, that I'm going to tackle this hill.

So I start from the top, and peddle myself down the hill at what felt like break-neck speed, but was maybe 15mph.  A car passed me.  Driven by a very old lady.....
Then I start up the other side.  My theory was that if I had enough speed from the decline, I would just fly up the incline and not have to work too hard at it.

I'm absolutely not a physics major.  I never even took physics.  As a matter of fact, I stopped after biology, so I didn't even take chemistry.  Too much math.  I hate math.

Anyway, so I start up the hill, and I get probably half way up the hill just on the momentum I'd gathered going down.  Then it got hard.  I peddled hard, and hit the gear shift like a 6 year old with a bicycle bell.

I got like 4/5 of the way up, and just stopped.  I stood there for a second, straddling my bike, panting.

I give it one try to get the bike going again and not be that loser that walked her bike up the hill.  No good.

So I get off and start walking.  I only had maybe 25 feet to go (though I'm a terrible judge of distance).  I'm walking.......I look to my left and see a woman sitting on a porch in her PJ's.  Oh just lovely....someone saw that.

Then I look again.....and realize that the girl looking at me is sitting on the porch of my high school arch nemesis' parents house.

Oh IS my high school arch nemesis.  Just fucking great.  No only did someone watch me definitely not make it up the hill, but it's HER, and I'm definitely heavier than when she last saw me.  GREAT!!

We all have one of those people don't we?  God I hated her.  I still can't stand her, and I haven't seen her in 10 years.

I get to the top of the hill and get back on my bike and start riding again, heading home because I'm totally done now.  I'm brooding about what just happened.  Then I realize....

Ha Ha!! You might have just watched me fail at biking....but bitch, you still live with your mom. 

Take that.


  1. I LOVE THIS POST. I am laughing so hard right now. You sound like we may be related, like identical twins. Hahah!


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Shouldn't You Be Working by Bethany Davenport is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.