Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Stick Figure Families

Frequently, on my way to class at night, I get stuck in traffic.

This makes me want to KILL EVERYONE!!!  Thanks Boss.  You kept me in the office 45 seconds longer than normal, and I missed my highway smooth sailing window.  Dick.

I used to be the type of person that covered my car in obnoxious bumper stickers.  I thought I was sooooo expressive.  It wasn't until I started getting stuck in the parking lot called "I-87 in the morning" that I realized that all these bumper stickers are doing for me is letting everyone know that I'm an asshole.

The clincher was when I was about 19 years old, and was trying to sell my car.  As your typical 19 year old will do, I wrote "FOR SALE" on my car with shoe polish because I couldn't afford a classified ad.  I also made sure to include my phone number.


So I get this phone call one night. 
Special Guy:  "Hi.  I'm calling about the car you have for sale."
Me:  "Oh, yes, I have a car for sale.  What would you like to know?"

He goes on to ask a few of the usual car buying questions, and then pops out with this insanity....

SG:  "So, I noticed a sticker that you have on your car.  It's a picture of a man and a woman, with a slash through it.  What does that mean?:

Actually, it looked a bit like this, only with stick people:

Me:  "Um....well actually that sticker is supposed to give you the idea that I'm not interested in religious solicitation."
SG:  " it doesn't mean you're a lesbian?"
Me:  :::silence::::  "Well, no.  Did you want to take a look at the car?"
SG:  "Would you want to go out sometime then?"
Me:  "No, sorry.  Listen why don't you call back when you are ready to look at the car and I'll have my boyfriend show it to you."

I was a liar.  I was very, very single.  Looking even.  But this dipstick didn't need to know that.

On my next car, I didn't have a single sticker.

I only have one now, as a matter of fact.  It's a sticker condemning horse slaughter.  I don't think anyone can really disagree with my stance on that.

I thoroughly despise people that feel the need to put those stick figure family decals on the back of their soccer-mom-mobile to show everyone just how super they are.  I don't need to know how many kids you have.  I don't care how many pets you have. 

They even have more descriptive stick figures, that indicate what type of people you've spawned.  A ballerina.  A surfer.  A soccer player.  A geeky dad with binoculars.  A mom in a wonder woman costume.  What-the-fuck-ever. 

I've seen people include their pets.  A dog, a cat, a bird, a freaking fish.  Who the hell thinks of their pet goldfish as a part of their family?  I can't keep a goldfish alive long enough to buy the sticker, let alone consider it a lasting part of my family.  A dog, ok.  A goldfish?  Fuck you.

My stick figure family decals would be so hilarious, that it almost might be worth putting it on my car.  But then someone might call some people in suits with clipboards.

It might look like this:

This is me.  Tired as hell.  Mentally exhausted.  Consumed by school, and work, and my household.  I didn't have room in the little bubble for the horses, and dogs, and kid, and boys.  But you get the point.

This one is Fiance Face.  Him and his bow and arrow awesomeness.  I tried to show his early hair loss, but I'm not sure I got that across.  Also, the bubble is self-explanatory.

This be the 9 year old.  Her whole life is rainbows and fairies.  She's totally oblivious to how awkward she is.  She isn't wearing any clothes for a reason.  She runs around naked entirely too much for a kid who's going on "tween".  Also, she thinks farts is funny.  This also applies to Fiance Face.

This is roommate #1.  I had a hard time deciding whether to draw him in his full camos, which he wears quite frequently for no good reason, or to draw him in his 3 piece suit, which he also wears around the house on occasion.  With sneakers.  And sometimes sunglasses and black gloves.  He's a weird one. 

This is roomie #2.  He's a full time student.  At 27 years old.  Enough said.

The stick doggies I would have to draw to be like some of these people who think it's cut to let everyone know that yes, you are the crazy cat lady......

I'll leave these people to it.  I'm content with my student parking stickers that serve a purpose, and let everyone know that I have been going to community college for 5 FREAKING YEARS.  I am not a full time student.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Creative Commons License
Shouldn't You Be Working by Bethany Davenport is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.