You know when someone gives you a lecture, and it's meant to be a pep talk....to pump you up to do better....but all it does it make you feel defeated?
Well that's me today. Someone that probably meant well decided I needed this talk. She is totally right by the way. Not that I needed the talk. I didn't. In fact, it was probably the last thing I needed. I'm overwhelmed enough as it is. I'm tired, and sore and buried so deep in life that I'm struggling fruitlessly to just scrape away enough to see the light ahead.
Then came this "talk".
She was right about several things that she said....not all, but several....but it didn't have the desired effect.
Now....I'm just done. Fuck it.
She meant it to fire me up to try harder and do better. I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to do any of it, let alone do it better.
We bought a house. It's a huge fixer upper. Every day I get up, get my 11 year old on the bus, then go get myself ready for work. Then I wake the baby up, feed him, change him and get him ready to go to my mother's house. Then I get my ass to work. I work as many hours as I can manage to. Then I go out to my new house and work there as much as I can without pissing off my sitter. On the weekends I have to try to find a babysitter so I can go over there and work some more.
I have barely begun to pack. We have pushed back our moving date twice now.
I have so much to do, and no time to do it, and in there somewhere I have to find time to buy groceries, cook dinner, take care of my dogs and horses and kids.
I'm completely burned out and exhausted.
Last week, my boss went on vacation. I busted my ass trying to hold together the loose ties that he left in his wake, just trying to keep things going while he was gone.
Now I get this lecture about being focused on work while I'm at work, and I just want to slap her.
I just want to say, fuck it. The house can sit there empty for as long as it takes to get it done. We can move one fucking box at a time, because that's all the time and energy I have for packing.
I'm already to the point where I can't do this anymore, and then I get a lecture.
Sigh.....I need a nap.