Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Shit My Kid Says....Part Deux

"Mom....My boobs hurt."

Yeah....I bet they little.....
My daughter is 11, and officially hitting puberty.  It started about a year ago.  Well, to be fair, it probably started 2 years ago when I noticed that the 10 year old should probably start wearing training bras.  You see....she's a little husky.  I was too.  At 10 I totally had little fat girl boobs, and to this day I curse my mother for not slapping a bra on me.  I absolutely blame her for my less than perky state.

So she has been wearing a bra for a couple of years now.  She has been getting progressively bitchier for about a year.  To the point where, I swear, if she opens her mouth again I'm going to duct tape it closed...and throw her in her room until she comes to terms with her hormones in about 5 years.

I was a wretched teenager.  I can't believe that my mother let me live.  I used to blat that my mother was abusive when I was a teenager.  Now, I see that she was the absolute image of self control.  I deserved every one of those swats she gave me for being a wretched bitch.  (Except maybe one.....oh ok, all of them.)

My daughter is going to be every bit as bad as I was....perhaps worse.  She and I already have an antagonistic relationship.  We are so alike that we butt heads constantly.  I can't let it go and neither can she.  Now that there are hormones involved, and my patience is already thin because I have a fucking teenager and an almost toddler at the same time, I might have to pack her off to boarding school for her health.

About 6 months ago, she and I were at the doctor's office.  It was a hot day, and she was wearing a sleeveless shirt.  She lifted up her arm to fix her pony tail....and the bush of hair that peeked out from her armpit was right in my face. 

I said "Honey....when we get home I'm going to teach you how to shave your armpits."
This lesson was interesting...and came with a threat to her life if I caught her shaving her legs, and a warning that if she shaved that little blond peach fuzz on her upper lip she would end up looking like her Aunt Sybil. 

Tangent:  My mother never taught me these things.  I didn't even know arm pits should be shaved until I was about 13 and a teenage boy (go ahead a's ok) commented on my hairy state.  He wasn't discreet about it.  (Ewww! Shave your pits!!)  The first time I shaved my legs....on my own, with no instruction....I did it with my dad's razor and sliced my legs to ribbons, followed by the worst razor burn known to woman kind.

When she started crying for no reason 2 months ago, I showed her where to find the panty liners and sent her teacher a warning email.

Last week, she says to know what, never mind.  It involved her unmentionables, and funny as it was, I still don't feel right talking about her lady parts on the Internet.

The point being that the arm pits weren't alone.

So when she told me last night that her boobs hurt......I showed her where the panty liners were again.

We live with my husband (who is not her father) and a male roommate.  God forbid the poor girl have to ask my husband what to do if she gets her aunt flo while I'm not home.  Poor girl.  Poor, poor Husband.  He can't even tolerate the fact that I bleed regularly (an entire post devoted to this will be published tomorrow)....I don't think he would handle that conversation well. 

So I'm just sitting back, waiting to teach her how to remove blood stains from sheets and underwear.  It's going to be any second now.  In a text book somewhere on pre-menstrual teenagers is a picture of my daughter.....any time now.  I wonder if it was that obvious with me.

1 comment:

  1. This just had me laughing. Ugh I do not look forward to this in about 8 years with my 2 little girls!


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Shouldn't You Be Working by Bethany Davenport is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.