Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Masochistic Human Furniture

I’m just the posting champ today.

Sitting on the deck at a friend’s pool party over the weekend, I lean back in my chair, stretch my legs out, lift them about 3 feet off the ground, and place them in Fiancé-Face’s lap.

He looks at my feet (clad in his least favorite of my footwear, my Birkenstock sandals) looks at my face, looks back at my feet, and says “I am not your personal foot stool”.

He’s delusional.  Oh yes you are my dear.  You are my personal foot stool, pillow, chair, arm rest…..or any other sort of human furniture I require at the time.  This goes with the title.

Sometimes he’s even other inanimate objects.  Like a wall, when he’s standing in front of the TV staring at it, like he’ll miss something if he moves OUT OF MY FREAKING WAY!!!

Sometimes he’s a carpet, when he puts his feet under mine right before I step in that very spot.  He doesn’t like this much.  It’s his own fault.

That’s something else he has yet to realize.  Everything is his own fault.  I do the things I do because he allows it.  I’ve determined he actually likes it.  Though he must think if I become aware of this fact, I’ll stop.

This leads me to believe that he’s actually a masochist.  He apparently likes it when I smack him in the head, or bite him, or pinch him.  I’ve determined this because these actions are all actually reactions.  He makes some joke at my expense to make the primates we live with laugh.  This action causes a predictable reaction.  I hit him.  He says “Ow!!! Why’d you do that?”  Like he’s surprised.  Like it hasn’t happened the last 50 or 60 times he’s done this. 

He tickles me.  I do not enjoy this.  So I bite him.  Again, the same response from him. 

So, he’s either mentally challenged to think that the same actions will bring about a different reaction, or he enjoys it. 

I don’t date the mentally challenged (anymore) as sort of a rule, so therefore he’s a masochist.

Hence my earlier conclusion that he must think that if I was aware of his enjoyment of pain, I would stop causing him pain.  To which I say, “Honey, I’ll hit you anytime you want”.

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Shouldn't You Be Working by Bethany Davenport is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.