Friday, October 19, 2012

Naming the Gremlin

This post is about the adventure of talking with Me Husband (still trying to replace "Fiance Face"....can't settle on anything) about baby names.  He's an asshole.  I spent a couple of hours going through the endless lists of names that are available on the Internet.  Not hours in a row of course.  Just here and there.
I made a list of maybe 15 names per sex.  Cute names.  Names that weren't so unique I cringed, but names that weren't so common place that there would be 3 more of them in the kid's kindergarten class.  Names like Claire, Aiden, Molly, Ian, Alana, and Evan.
I finally get the courage to show him the list one night (for a bit there I was afraid to say the word "baby" around him).  He glances at it for maybe 5 seconds and starts picking apart my choices. 

H:  Connor?  Molly? Issac?  These are terrible names.
Me:  Really?  You don't like Claire?  Or "Damien"?
H:  "Damien" is my step brother's name.
(Name has been changed, so someday when he finds this blog I can pretend it's not mine)
Me:  You really don't like any of them?
H:  No.  They're awful.  These are like Waldorf names.

Oh here we go again.  My daughter attends a private school.  A Waldorf school.  I'm not going to attempt to dissect Waldorf education just now, but it's a very wholesome, creative, nurturing environment.  They have activities such as knitting, making butter, puppetry, and drawing with block crayons (because life doesn't have lines around it).  I love it.  She loves it.  How many 10 year olds love going to school?  I mean LOVE school.  Are upset that it's summer vacation?  Not many.  But mine does.  She, and the rest of her class, learned to read in like 2 weeks.  One day she's picking out words, sounding out the syllables.  Then like 2 weeks later she was reading with next to no trouble at all.  It's because of the way they go about the process, teaching them the "value" of letters so they can totally wrap their little heads around it.  They also wait until late 2nd grade to start.  As a result the kids are absolutely ready to learn it.

Husband thinks its a fruity, touchy feely, hippie school.  Which it kind of is.  But he doesn't see the value of it.  We have agreed to disagree on this one. 

But in any case....they were not "Waldorf" names (examples, Tobias, Bolosai, Mytraia)  They were not generic names either.  I refuse to raise a John, or a Jennifer.  They weren't trashy names (Destiny, Amber, Dallas).

So I ask him what he had in mind.  Ready for this?  Erma....Herman....Bodack.

I'm sorry, Bodack???

He says "Bodack is a great name".

Now, I'm pretty sure he's kidding.  At least, fuck, I hope he's kidding.  I hope to all things holy or unholy that I didn't marry and procreate with a man that thinks it's totally acceptable to name his child Bodack.  And the best part?  According to him it's a dual gender name.  Ladies and Gentlemen, my daughter, Bodack.

So today, I try again.  I download a baby names app for my phone.  What fun!!
I go through the names.  Holy shit are there a lot of terrible names out there.  I sigh, and click the button that will only show me "popular" names.  This leaves out a lot of the weirder shit.

I find some more that I don't hate (because this is all I can hope for at this point, a name I don't hate.)
Alan, Carly, Kadence, Justin (I guess).

I email him my list from the app (I heart technology).

He responds "Eww, lol".

Fuck you dick.

Me:  This coming from the man that thought up "Bodack".
Dick:  Bodack is a great name.
Me:  It is most certainly not even a name, let alone a great name.  Fucking weirdo.
Dick:  Is too, look it up.
Me:  No, you know what, I believe you.  I've got an app here with thousands of horrible names that are still better than Bodack.
Dick:  Ha Ha good for you.
Me:  Bodack McNamesbeenchanged.  That's catchy.  Tell you what, let's get the kid a guide on how to be a serial killer while we're at it.
Dick:  lol (because he's soooooo creative)
Me:  That sounds like the kind of name that a kid who went to school packing a semi-automatic weapon in order to shoot down all of the kids that picked on him for his stupid name would have.  You're right, let's keep it.  I've always wanted to be interviewed by reporters.
Dick:  Ha Ha.

Why do I bother?  I told him that we would wait to see what's going to come out of there before we argue about the name.  No sense in arguing for Claire if it's going to have a penis.
Don't worry kid.  I won't let him name you Bodack.  I swear he only said that to make Erma sound better.  Poor fucking kid.

P.S.  While spell-checking this post......Bodack is not a word.  Thank you Websters.

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Shouldn't You Be Working by Bethany Davenport is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.